Family Secrets

On the face of it, to people who don't know me well, I may seem like the poster child for a bland and unremarkable life.  And though I complain sometimes that the scope of my existence is dull and predictable, the real truth is that the life I have now has been carefully cultivated and is not a reflection of  the cards I've been dealt.

Family secrets are obviously not in our private domain. The fact that this is something so rarely talked about makes it impossible to guess how many people I've known have pushed some uneasy knowledge far  back into the recesses of their mind.  Or worse, perhaps, let it fester in the forefront, affecting choices and decisions.  Defining them.

These secrets can involve someone whose life doesn't directly influence yours, which makes it more of an embarrassment.  The cousin who is an alcoholic; the aunt who has a cocaine addiction; an uncle arrested for porn on his computer - nothing you want to be broadcast to your friends or co-workers, but far enough removed from you and your life that it doesn't keep you up nights.

Or, conversely, they can be less sensational secrets, but the kind that have far reaching consequences like a stone skimming across a pond. Sometimes I marvel that decisions made by someone else decades ago has helped shape me into the person I've become.

If I look at things clinically, I can see that many of my life choices have been a direct response to my own collection of family secrets.  At least the ones I knew about.

In the last year several more long buried secrets have come to light after a bit of probing. It took me awhile to digest these revelations - to take some time to see how these truths fit into my life.  They were unsettling truths, upending the story I'd always believed - the story I'd always been told.   

Recently I had the opportunity to spend some time with one of my cousins.  We talked about our family secrets and the repercussions of guarding those secrets so ferociously, even within closed familial ranks. There were some tears, some regret, but more importantly, lots of love and forgiveness.  

I can be whoever I want to be, I've decided.  Family secrets  shouldn't have the power to  define me.  I am writing my life story day by day, moment by moment, and I am the author- no one else.  I realize that these secrets have influenced the kind of wife and mother I am, but for that I'm really quite grateful.

Taking it Literally

A few weeks ago I was at Target with my granddaughter picking up several random items from my shopping list.  After leaving the store, I gathered her and the bags into my arms allowing me to leave the shopping cart at the entrance rather than having to wheel it to the corral  in the parking lot while leaving a toddler in the car seat.

As I started walking to my car, a woman called out and ran over to me holding a pumpkin spice candle that had been left in the bottom of my basket.  I realized suddenly that the candle had been left in the cart inadvertently during checkout.  "Oh, no" I said to the woman, "I didn't pay for this!"  She smiled and shrugged.  "Well, it's out of the store now."

At this point I was already buckling my granddaughter into her car seat and was in a bit of a time crunch.  I thought to myself that I would just pay for the candle the next time I went to Target.  And you know what?  I did.

On my next visit I handed the cashier another candle and told him that I wanted to pay for it but wasn't taking it with me  -  that I had mistakenly taken one without paying on my last trip.  He looked at me like I was certifiably insane.  "You're the first person I've met that's ever done that," he said, "I've seen everything now!"  The woman standing behind me in line laughed in agreement.  I suddenly felt like a righteous, holier-than-thou goody two shoes.  The kind that no one likes.

Later, I polled a couple of friends and family members in different age groups to get their take.  "Well," one of them said cautiously, "it's really admirable that you are so honest, but yeah, it's kind of unusual.  I think stores like Target just build shrinkage like that into their pricing."   "It's not like you took shoplifted intentionally or took something from another person," said another. 

Let me take a moment to be clear here.  I'm not looking from validation from anyone - I just reflexively did what seemed right to me.  At the time, in my mind, it was just a straightforward transaction and I didn't expect any commentary from the cashier at all.  The whole experience and aftermath just got me wondering.  When, I wondered, did I miss the update on society's moral compass?  I am truly not being judgmental here, just curious as to when things changed and how I missed the memo.  Or was the reaction I got (pretty much across the boards) an anomaly and not representative of society in general?  And if a $3.00 candle is no big deal, does that hold true of say, slight exaggerations on income tax forms?  Or cheating in school?  Or any instance that is perceived as victim less, but may have given us pause in years gone by?

As I re-read this, I'm afraid I'm still coming across as preachy or as if I'm claiming moral high ground.  Nope, just puzzled.  And not totally comfortable with being "that person" but not sure at this point in my life I can (or want) to change.  In the meantime, I will most definitely be checking and double checking the bottom on my shopping cart.