It probably seems like a weird thing to have a phobia about, but believe me, I'm a textbook case. The whole process acts like a catalyst to bring out feelings of inadequacy on many levels and I've spent years perfecting the art of weaseling out of hostessing altogether.
My family can testify to this. As anyone who knows me well is aware, I am a horrible cook. Worse, it isn't just a case of me not spending the time to learn and perfect cooking - if that was the case I could take a class or even go to my mom for help. I am just one of those folks that find meal preparation and cooking tedious and time consuming, so I've never bothered learning. I jokingly (but not) have always said if Mike wanted a wife who cooked, he married the wrong girl. I can make a couple of decent things, but none of them is "company fare" that could be served at a dinner party.
Problem #2 is my deep seated and irrational fear that everyone will notice my house is inferior. Stains on the carpet. Smells like a dog. Dust on the fan blades. Decidedly un-fancy furniture. Of course, my friends and family remind me that anyone who is a true friend would not be judging us on how nice or mediocre our house is or even how good of a cook I am - they like us for who we are and would just enjoy spending time together. On a cerebral level I know this is true, but in my heart of hearts I can't seem to shake the paranoia that whatever event I create would be an epic failure. Low expectations of myself to be sure. And I've been this way for long enough. I figure the only way to overcome this aversion is to force myself to do it and do it until I can invite people over without a feeling of dread washing over me.
I want to be one of those people that entertains effortlessly. Spur-of-the-moment invitations for friends to stop by for pizza; ladies lunches with quiche and salad; holiday open houses with fancy dips and hors d'oerves - I want to be that girl. Some of the people who seem to have this whole thing down pat don't seem overly concerned if there are stacks of mail on their dining room table during these impromptu get togethers and nobody seems to mind anyway. This is about to become my new mission in self improvement.
I'm thinking of starting of with an afternoon tea party. Elegant sandwiches, delicate pastries, aromatic teas in hand painted cups - the whole nine yards. I am not going to let myself cheat by just inviting my daughters, daughters-in-law and mom because they are my "safe zone" people. Or maybe a barbeque or even an informal crock pot dinner. Whatever I decide, I know that by posting this I am making myself accountable. Even writing about these plans make me slightly nauseous, but hey, all the more reason I have to do it, right?
So wish me luck as I start formulating my plan to plunge into uncharted and icy cold waters of entertaining. One...two....three... jump!
